My question is not about my behavior but theirs. Thank you! I had been drinking, and so asked him whether he had feelings for this girl, he said yes I do now get the f*** out of my life! Theres no way around it: Breakups are hard, whether you end the relationship or someone else does. He s a terrible narcisist and the only thing he seems to care is his family. I had no idea what was really going on and he spent that time telling everyone that he just wasnt happy and everyone seemed to accept that. I felt so betrayed that he hadnt even given me that final conversation. The real mystery is why we all allow this to happen to us without taking action and moving away from the situation. I havent dated anyone since Ive met him. Then the messy breakup, then it was done. Despite what I did, he is still a user and a disgusting person to use his precious daughter as an excuse to lie to me. Wish that I could find the right standing ovation gif to post! I just hope Im in a stronger place than what I am now. Of course this hurts so much he was going to reply! With the level of awareness I have now, it feels like a heavy fog has been lifted I could have acted differently. . Thank you for this site Savannah. And the other women too, though he constantly denied he was baby mama hunting. Now she KNOWS she devastated me (and I am proud of the way that I behaved, all things considered..the was nothing I did that made me look unstable, etc. Or, God forbid, his family! This tendency to lose interest in the partner also explained why they had less negative emotional reactions. Hes forgotten about genuineness and takes advantage of people who are truly patient and understanding. Well, a few days turned into a few weeks and it wasnt awful. I know exactly how you feel, I was furious at myself for still wanting him so badly, too. When we go through a stressor, like a breakup, its natural to want to spend time alone and spend a lot of time laying in bed, says Brenda Arellano, a psychologist from Kentucky. After a breakup, a person is often left with a lot of unpleasant thoughts and feelings, such as Im a failure or Im unlovable or I wasted my time in this relationship, explains Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy, Michigan. I feel your pain and being honest about how you felt and what you did is cathartic. I realize that Id just end up looking like a lunatic. Period. Researchers found that withholding negative feelings can be a form of covert, destructive conflict. i believed it all. Learn this and. I havent acted like this ever. I cant think now the OW is in my place, using my linens , my towels , the stuff I left but most of all HIM. N never wanted us to have friends and always wanted family kept at a distance just us doing what N wanted to do. Hes doing just fine and all Im doing is torturing myself. Romantic attachment style is more flexible than researchers originally believed. Shock and Denial. Look how youre acting. This was too much for me and I cracked. She has a degree in Psychology and is the founder of www.esteemology.com, a website dedicated to educating and healing survivors of abusive relationships. They have been supportive to me and furious with him, but I dont know why I feel more disconnected with them. . I did nothing to him to deserve it. You are a good heart. I found support and learned and forgave and she wouldnt let me see her before she died. When I read your post about post break-up behavior I really had to cringe. Thank you, Leah, for your intervention!. I thought the most dignified way to leave him was to take the high road pay him even though I dont owe him. Subscribe to our mailing list and receive our weekly posts right to your inbox. Initially I was in shock anywayI had no proof and I deeply loved this woman so I was distraught, confused and in deep, deep emotional pain. (I d never have done it of course).. So weird how Ive stumbled across this blog. Thank you for writing this article. I feel so dumb. Love the article as it will help me cope through this difficult time. Its been 3 weeks, and my N ex invented a story that I cheated on him (not true, of course) and he is telling everyone that he left me, not that I kicked him out. Then I found this post. He was unable to grasp how his actions influenced and hurt me. According to this theory, narcissists have two separate strategies they can use to maintain their grandiose self-perceptions. Then he left to work and returned for another few weeks. He destroyed my financial stability, my peace of mind, my health has suffered. I agree and I wish we could lock them up. High levels of narcissistic rivalry were linked to greater sadness and anxiety after breakup and more negative perceptions of ex-partners. Thank you Savannah for this post. He then called me to give his condolences . I want all of this to stop. I think Ill mention the approaching deadine one week prior as Savannahs suggestion of a couple of days (he has LOTS of stuff)and then if its not gone, its mine. I chose to end it. Yes, you are right the embarrassment the next day just made me sick. I remember hearing, Well if a person isnt happy, what are you going to do? And it sounded so insane to me. Thank you for listening to me. Bethany, I should have recognized the N much earlier and now I dont quite understand how I could possibly have loved N to begin with.. actually thats quite incomprehensible. I never had to realize that the man I was parting ways with possessed NO positive human qualities. Romantic breakups can be hard on anyone, but our reactions to breakups can vary quite a bit. It never happened. Breakups involve change and loss, socially and emotionally, and can often lead to grief. . Only one thing: Theyre the first ones to send terrible stuff into the universe and this stuff should go back straight to them. Hed become physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive, even put my and his own friends down. Im trying to let go, but its not enough. They're angry with you. CBT exercises can help you spot unhealthy thinking patterns and redirect your thoughts in more productive ways. When Post-Breakup Pursuit Becomes Stalking | Psychology Today But the final (it really is final for me, this time) break-up with my N has been so difficult for me because in other relationships, I never had to question whether my ex ever had any real feelings, ever loved me, or if any moment was genuine. Research suggests narcissism consists of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism; or, alternatively, of antagonism, extraversion, and neuroticism. Shes 41 or 42, chunky to heavy (always said he didnt like heavier women; I am petite & in good shape) owns her own home, has a steady, full-time job, has medical insurance and her sister is an OB-GYN. He is now gone. I found this site. oh yeah, forgot to say.. i sent it to him.. he had sent me some really off hand emails minimizing my feelings etc.. i reacted , I have also been visiting your site for some time now and for me it is the best site on the internet on dealing with narcissist relationships and the aftermath of it. Here is my dilemma. Im just sorry I didnt vindicate you, past-girlfriend-who-called-him-a-Narc. I never thought I would be in this position going from having my own lovely apartment and furnishings, to living in my moms basement with almost nothing, jobless and single. and conducted myself like an adultit almost killed me.but I did it. A week later I sent him an email telling him he wasnt welcome in my life unless he apologised and saw me. Things can only get better from here. I actually copied and emailed it to myself so that I can look at it when Im not feeling great. Yes Ive had to block all of those friends for my own peace of mind that I wont see them living it up in our old house without me, but really Id like to be friends with them again eventually. what i notice about myself is how crappy of a person i was. I guess that the fire in her pants was so intense that she initially move out with just a bag of clothes. We were never friends on facebook because I didnt want to be, but I chose to post the song to facebook, made the post public and then tagged him in it. The disconnection with them feels like I can afford to lose them. He was an awful, hate filled human being then and Im sure hes still an awful hate filled person now. A week previously we had buried a loved family member and emotions and breathing already was so difficult to handle and then this bomb was thrown at me. Did I think if his friends and family knew this revelation that he has NPD, that they would see him in a different light? Reading your insights into the mind of a Narcissist and the postings of your readers has given me support and hope. Look at what kind of person he is. If I could have let him not bother me, I would not have had to get divorced. I got past it, I found myself again and I was happy. 10 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship Suffers From Burnout, 24 Dimensions of Compatibility in Long-Term Couples, I Cant Live Without Her: When Grieving Men Die, It Is Now 50 Years Since Gay People Were Cured", Key Tips for Blending Families After a Divorce, Find a therapist who understands narcissism, blame another person for a mutually caused failure, respond to social rejection with outsized anger and aggression, Narcissistic Admiration and Rivalry Concept, narcissistic individuals vary in the extent to which they are high in both of these dimensions, narcissistic rivalry is associated with poorer interactions, experience more anger when they have conflicts with romantic partners, perceive their current partners positively. I dont even know what to think. I have no sense of worth and motivation anymore. Needless to say my doctors say I shouldnt be under any stress at all incase I haemorrhage again, my friends are in sheer disbelief at him for putting me through this! I ended up moving out and putting everything in storage at very short notice after a couple of weeks of being completely shut down and ignored. Counselors and outreach specialists, many of whom are Veterans themselves, are experienced and prepared to discuss the tragedies of war, loss, grief, and transition after trauma. Naturally once the fog of rage lifted, I would feel horrible that I was so cruel and mean, completely forgetting/dismissing his actions that precipitated my reaction. Reckless behaviour definition: People's or animals' behaviour is the way that they behave . He left me when I needed him the most and tossed me aside like I was nothing. I was furious and I felt completely justified in everything that I had done and Im sure that many people would agree with me but, and its a big but, my behavior was all he needed to vindicate himself. Come to terms with the fact it may happen again. Despite all the bad times, there were many good times. What a Narcissist or a highly insensitive person perceives: You still want me or else you wouldnt have shown up this is my family. But I just didnt see it! Unless you are medically trained to diagnose someone with a mental health condition I think you shouldnt use such terms. Of course, he ignored my message, within 24 hours I was seething again. When youre sad, it can be difficult to identify distortions in your thinking. I want him to feel bad for hurting me. Aquarius (January 20 - February 18) After a breakup you seem kind of neutral, passive, or like you don't care about ANYTHING. Remember that all you do is feed their attention monster, either by positive or negative emotions so give them nothing, do nothing , dont give them the satisfaction of letting them know they hurt you. Youre dealing with heartbreak, fear, abandonment, jealousy, betrayal, anger, outrage, indignation and all of these feelings are causing the Im not good enough monster to tear up your town in a Godzilla like fashion. You cant control how someone else behaves. If they can be envied supply. No children. I stayed away from places she might go. I too went through something similar in the space of 5 months I had a brain haemorrhage (and could very easily have died) I then had to relearn how to walk, get to the end of a sentence without forgetting what I was saying. Gayle Weill, a licensed clinical social worker licensed in Connecticut and New York, adds, If you change the way that you think, then that [can] change the way that you feel, and then your behaviors [may] also change.. I cant think is the end of it. i left my first husband when i met my N. I LEFT HIM high and dry. Nobody can understand how much that will literally kill you inside when someone you gave up your entire life for suddenly drops on youEnough to drive you absolutely mental. Im sure life will punish him. I wish it would end. You can refer to a typical. Dealing with Shyness . Of course my N went ballistic and has been trying to reach me to scold me for doing this (I am vindictive, dark, unstable, etc.). Because you feel emotions more intensely than someone who doesn't have borderline personality . Four days later he came and broke up with me, no discussion. Can you imagine how thats contributing to the Narcissistic supply! So yes thank you for this article, you are helping many people. But I said I would pay him and he still has some of my things at his house. And people can experience a variety of negative emotions, from anger to even grief-like sadness. I contribute $5,000 income to the house every month. There are no quick fixes. Even normal, otherwise healthy people dont quite act like themselves when they happen (and science will back this up!) Yes Marked!I have just left my female N and I feel like I cannot even breathe for myself. What is an example of reckless behavior? - LegalKnowledgeBase.com She wound up calling me and we had a nice long chat. I know what I was up to, and it was so hard for me to let go. He was cold and cruel and distant, someone I had never seen before. And by doing so I created that soul-tie that is killing me right now. I read it JUST in the nick of time. Youre nuts, thats why I left you and Im going to tell everyone about you. 3) All I wanted was a sane mind, who could listen to me FIRST to make a determination if I deserved any anger, insult or hate or something else. The last straw for me was when he had made plans to spend the night on Thanksgiving eve. Im sorry. I do not. I ended it with him at one point, but he called me a week later wanting me back and like an idiot I gave in. Oh man how far is it to Mexico? Call (888) 850-1890. During those 2 months it was one excuse and disappointment after another. They were also more likely to initiate. Narcs are not capable of normal relationships. As for the STD If I was a gambler I would bet that he was fully aware that he had it and just didnt care who he infected. The only thing that you can control is how you behave and you owe it to yourself to walk out holding your head high and with dignity. If you met me, youd never know this side of me. Its crazy how much pain and suffering he brought into my life while still being my favorite road trip captain. May we all learn to have healthy and functional relationships with all the people in our lives for that is a joy not to be missed. Wish him well if you love him, you will find your person in good time xx. i was unhappy.. i was selfish and i didnt do the right thing. It is futile to try and teach them bonding or expect them to learn it at this late stage in life. Hes self-employed and works at home. I only wish for him that his self-loathing will fade somehow and make him a happier person. Our results showed that people who scored high in narcissistic rivalry reported higher levels of sadness and anxiety than those who were low in narcissistic rivalry. In any breakup; there are always two sides of a coin and we must always consider that the other person going through a breakup might also be going through hell (I am saying it from my own perspective, I know you were cheated in your case, which is different). He promised he was ready and he went to my house one night prior to the lockdown announcement. I wonder if Im going to get a number tonight. But I am pretty sure hell be telling nasty stories about me (even under the guise of Poor woman, shes so disturbed, she cant help ) and I do not want to be part of that viciousness. Nothing changed. I told his friends. It has been a huge help to me in understanding what happened in my relationship as well as encouraging me to take the right steps to move on and heal. He hung up by screaming at me. Ive been able to stop myself because I know Id never get the reaction from anyone that I want, and I just have to move on. You may want to shift them to thoughts that are more balanced and neutral. It left me completed depleted. I have done the yelling , begging and crying scenarios every time my ex husband and I would argue during our marriage and after each time re would try to reconcile after our divorce. It involves showing off and behaving charmingly to gain the admiration of others. What it really says: I am unstable and will go to great lengths to hang on to a man. Then I contccted her daughter, offering my friendship to her. 3. Ive been massively wronged and you should all be on my side. I have done many of the things mentioned here. It helps to put a time line of facts together. I dont know what the future looks like, but I know right now Im feeling lonely and may need to reach out to a friend for support.. He left me for a 27 year old when we were 55. Im sorry I didnt see it. :((. He is evil. Not being over it, I need to let these feelings out. I reasoned: Itd hurt me. Re-engaging for any reason no matter how well you can justify it, is not a good idea. I found out the other woman after we break up.From her instagram. So we argue over text and he ends up blocking me. Not forgiving an ex after a breakup is a sign of being in grief. 22 Celebrities Who Experienced Depression - Health A few months ago I met another woman and we have started a serious relationship. Same man, different face syndrome. After a year N set up a business and is now not only the boss but making lots of money. As improbable as it may seem, its the best way to retain your dignity and it will mess with their head. Weve all had break-up moments that we arent particularly proud of. Im trying to make you jealous. Perhaps youre telling yourself, My partners always leave me. To push back against this statement you might remind yourself: Another CBT exercise that can be helpful is called cognitive refocusing. Even if we are teary during the breakup, which is honest at least, we should cultivate indifference towards them afterwards (with caution = no contact). What the heck is wrong with me? I am still reeling from this. It is not a choice but an inherent imbalance in the human psyche like schizophrenia for example. Some men, like me, go through the exact same emotions. How To Move On: 10 Steps For Closure After You Break Up It came from a place of hurt, because I cared so deeply. god i miss that. Mostly because he has lost control. Once sober, I realized how stupid that was and deleted the post. ), tells me that at Easter dinner (April 20) he and one of his exs announced they were moving in together. The final contact I had with him was on April 17 and that was to tell him that his belongings had been donated to goodwill because he had failed to come get them in the timeframe I gave him. I mentioned to him my plans for avoiding contact with my ex-husband, and he suggested that he hopes I can get to the point where I dont need to avoid him. I think Ive definitely gone mad. Reckless disregard for the safety of self [my emphasis] . Accept the . If you dont want their gifts give them away, donate them or throw them out, but do not contact them to return presents they gave you that says the exact opposite of what youre trying to convey. Im looking for any reason to stay invested in this relationship. Narcissistic Mother. But what was more disconcerting than his abandoning me, was me abandoning myself. Told me that living with me was like living with his grandmother. Richardson suggests another example: Instead of I should have known better, a helpful replacement thought is I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time.'. Once the diagnosis was confirmed, I contacted him and encouraged him to seek medical treatment and to inform his new girlfriend/supply that she may need to be tested as well. Adjustment disorder is a short-term condition. Instead, you may try to identify when youre allowing yourself to get worked up and remind yourself that youre in control. Jump before thinking. Im having a good time and Im ready to go out and move on. 5 years ago we moved to a new city so N could have a job, I have never struggled to get work anywhere. WOW. Except I decided to publicly shame him on facebook. What Your Behavior Post Break-Up Really Means - Esteemology For the same reason, it might be worth considering whether youve just been involved with a real piece of lowlife, which is more likely to be the case. I blew up his phone, threatened to come over (I know where they live. Make sure you are being compassionate toward yourself while you redirect your focus.. Social isolation in the time of social media connection. I made new friends in a new place and built a life and learned a name for my mothers lifetime abuse. It's 2 p.m. on Monday afternoon, and I am solemnly approaching 23 Cornelia Street, a previously purple West . Dont you think they might be happy? Narcissism is like smoke and mirrors and the Narcissist makes you feel like you are the one who needs to change and the one who is crazy. If only Id kept my temper under control maybe we could have met up! When you are in a lot of pain and overcome with rage or fear, you arent thinking clearly and your behavior will reflect that if you dont get a grip on it. After 10 months Im still dreaming of him with her, I tab him on FB and seeing how shes a devoted , 10 years younger then me. I still get the urge to send him texts (as I did on previous times when he left) either kindly or vicious. It is a more hostile and defensive aspect of narcissism that involves denigrating other people. Getting dumped hurts and if youve been unceremoniously tossed out on your backside, without a how do you do, and the person that ripped your heart out, trots off with someone else, it can stir up a lot of emotions. Thanks for this article. It is also important to note that most of this research examines narcissistic traits within the normal population, not individuals diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. "@Smabros_SSB @JunoGamingWatch That's not the point. I cant get past my feelings. Then, I met the N six days before Christmas. I am not a victim. That really will do me NO good. Is there any way I could still regain my dignity? The fog is still thick with mebut Im still walking through it too the end and Im finally free. He left again for Christmas vowing to return for New Years. Those are just flings that never took off.