80.47 % / 1143 votes. 69 SUPER Dirty Jokes for Adults Only 2023 (with Photos) 69 Seriously Dirty Jokes and Memes (That Will Make You Cover Your Eyes) by Eric Russell - 23 Mar 2022 Sense of Humor Not every joke needs to be family-friendly or G-rated. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? My dad thought he made a good construction joke. I know how to use my tools. This site uses cookies to personalize ads and to analyse web traffic, for more info please review our Privacy Policy. What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A wet nose. I am more comfortable when wet and very unpleasant when dry. A big fat liar. Bestlifeonline.com is part of the Dotdash Meredith Publishing Family. Lets play a game known as carpenter! Gare are you a carpenter, because you made my hotdog stand. "What brings you to the desert?" What did the leper say to the sex worker? Fries: $4. I nailed it. Thanks, I said, is it because Im so fast? About four inches. It runs in your genes. Riveting! I hope you identify as a trampoline because I want to bounce on you. What do you do when your cat passed away? He came, he saw, he conquered. What do you call a cheap circumcision? The more you play with it, the harder it gets to use it. I would like a burger.". What does a perverted frog say? The one who builds the gallows to hang people on, since his structure outlives a thousand inhabitants. 7) What do you call a piece of wood with nothing to do? Dirty Jokes That Are Absolutely Nuts 1 What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? I think my dog wants to be a carpenter. ZANNGGG! I discharge loads from my shaft. The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when, he shouts down to the apprentice but the kid can't hear him, so he does sign language. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. What could you call someone who claims that they dont masturbate? If you are looking for a good laugh, then read on. Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels. However, the seamen from the boat manage to swim away, almost reaching the shore. Because you're giving me wood! What do tofu and dildos have in common? One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. He asks the female whale "let's both get under the boat, blow air out of our air holes, and it might topple the ship.". ", A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. What is your favorite dirty joke for adults? They say that during sensual bedtime activities, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. But I refused. Im 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Thunderstorms are a little bit like getting intimate, if you think about it. My girlfriend lives 40 miles away. 58, doctor. How do you call it, when you wanted to make a chair, but every time you try, it turns out to be a table? A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. Nevermind. Thus, if youre brave and bold enough to throw a punchline from the presented dirty minded jokes, then we hope that you will be rewarded with all the chuckles from the herd. What is it?Legs.Most of the time when I go in, I cause some pain. Whats worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Getting down and dirty with your hoes 3. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" Nailed It! Your Whole Family Will Dig These Construction Jokes Babe, are you superstitious? He stumbles across an open construction site with a hiring sign. What do tofu and a vibrator have in common? "Yeah for sure, most tables would have collapsed by now.". If these off-color gags don't make you giggle, you're officially more mature than us. Click here for full disclosure policy. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.Whats the difference between hungry and horny?Where you stick the cucumber.A familys driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Took a room in a whorehouse in Natchez. Lets keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. With a great hand, you dont even need a partner to play with! Because you just made a banana stand out of my wood. Why did the white goo cross the road? There once was a Scott named McAmeter. Wanna take the joke a little far? King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. What am I?A bowling ball. *hnff hnff*. Because when you came in the room it became beautiful. What happened when the carpenter knocked his tools off a pier? ae0fcc31ae342fd3a1346ebb1f342fcb. I'm not a weatherman, but you can expect a few more inches tonight. I was holding a bottle of detergent while doing my laundry. 147 Wood Puns That Are Solidly Funny | Kidadl Life is like a penis. Im so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.Whats the difference between a job and marriage?A job still sucks after 10 years.If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.What are the three shortest words in the English language?Is it in?Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much?Because one has two lips and one has two heads.Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one?Because the old one has shaky hands.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because they wont stop to ask directions.Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Are you a campfire? How many Bitcoin maxis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood. Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer? "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that! I get wet before you do. What comes after 69? "Because," the doctor says. Turns out he was a mahoganist. She is almost home home when she steps on a log and gets a nasty splinter deep in between her toes. Have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence? 10. What do you get when you mix human DNA and, The Funniest Dirty Puns & Dirty Dad Jokes, Dirty jokes and awful pick up lines go hand in hand. I suppose I shouldnt have asked her if she wanted me to shove some caulk in her bee holes. How can you tell if your husband is dead? Planning to throw some dirty mind questions at your buddies during the party? The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter". I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day. Therefore, we have shared with you a few dirty minded jokes to have a good laugh while no one is watching. - 32. Why did the squirrel swim on its back? For us being adults, dirty jokes become more acceptable and entertaining alternative in any situation. I had to fire my carpenter Give it to me! she yelled. The boss gives him the day off. They are both meat substitutes. Its not what it looks like!. If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? Because men keep telling them this is eight inches. A male whale and a female whale see a fishing boat with a large harpoon. A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. We think you will agree with us when we say: A joke is always a bit funnier when it has a dirty side. The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor" 6. Why are you shaking? How do you torture a carpenter? "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream. "Why?" For that reason, we have put together the ultimate list of our favorite dirty jokes that you probably shouldnt be telling to just about anyone. - 33. "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts. They'll be very aware if there's no shade. Unfortunately, there was absolutely no build-up. If you are having a tough time while coming up with your own dirty jokes then we would suggest you to, go through the given dirty mind funny jokes for a good giggle. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Because only a few mice know how to dance. You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone. What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. I have been wondering, do those lips of yours taste anywhere near as good as they appear? That is why we had to share our favorite, SFW Dirty Jokes (You May Even Tell Your Kids), 68 Hilarious Santa Jokes for the Holidays (Ho, Ho, Ho! Im on top of things. The apprentice is gone a long time, and the carpenter feared the worst. 1. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. Are you a carpenter, let's play carpenter, I am a carpenter, is your dad a carpenter pick up line. 6. Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer? "Lie to me! She replied. I may earn a commission for purchases. We're closed. What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? The 58 Best Dirty Jokes You Can Still Tell Your Kids - Fatherly You just might get some giggles and groans! They are both meat substitutes. A dad goes to a food truck and sees the menu: Burgers: $8. Are you board? Nevermind. One makes your whole day, but the other makes your hole weak. 13. What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old? "I want you inside me.". Ken is sold separately. The foreman greets him at the job site and tells him his first task will be to nail some sheathing on a roof. I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. What's the difference between a sex worker and a drug dealer? Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. 24. What am I?Their last name.Want to know a proven way a man and woman can be friends without s3x?Marriage. You have a nice butt, but I think it would be nicer if it was on my lap. They didn't like how I handled my wood on the jobsite. How did the carpenter lose all his teeth? If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang. A private tutor. Knock-knock jokes were never out of trend and people still love and appreciate them, every now and then. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, Your penis is bigger than your brothers.What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?A beaver dam!What do a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?They can both smell it but cant eat it.My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man. And Seal doesnt have one at all. Obviously, they dont know that yet.I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The best man always has me first. I noticed his shirt and complimented it. A gallon of mouthwash. 20. Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head. What do you do when your cat's dead? Nevertheless, we can always use a good laugh! Hey girl, are you a carpenter? A rip-off. How tall are you? An elephant is walking through the jungle. Because they never get any support from anything. That was just an insect." Where you stick the cucumber. What is the difference between oooooohandaaaaaaah? Estimated Read Time: 1 minute. What am I?A coconut.You use your hand to whack me off, the bigger I am, the louder I make people scream. The male whale recognized the ship that caught his dad whale a year ago. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Well, dont you get tense because we have got you covered with a bunch of dirty jokes to share with your friends and family. What's the best thing about gardening? They sound super clean. 19. The more you play with it, the harder it gets. A woman walks into a bar, and guy says, "Can I buy you a drink." "Sure," said the woman. Have a look at the dirty jokes below and dont forget to share them in your circle. What is 6 inches long and 2 inches wide and makes women go crazy? Love is like a broken machine sometimes you need a good screw to fix it. .. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby. Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood. One is a carpenter and one is a car painter. Balloon blow-up dolls. Where you stick the cucumber. Your tongue gets me off. Baby Im a carpenter. What has 148 teeth and holding back a monster? document.addEventListener( 'DOMContentLoaded', function() { Whats the process of applying for a job at Hooters? A guy will actually search for a golf ball. The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.". You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray theres no multiplying involved. Two different fish swim into a wall One turns to the other and says, Dam! Are you in need of some dirty minded jokes? What do tofu and a dildo have in common? Because they wont stop to ask for directions. Are you an elevator? Why is masturbation just like procrastination? 1. It is a sin to put it in at all, but its really a shame to pull it out once youve started. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. Why do mice have such small balls? Why does a mermaid wear seashells?Because she outgrew her B-shells!How is sex like a game of bridge?If you have a great hand, you dont need a partner.What do you do when your cats dead?Play with the neighbors pussy instead.What has 148 teeth and holding back a monster?My zipper.What is Moby Dicks dads name?Papa Boner.Whats the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? Because I put the wrong socks on this morning. "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. The man asks the employee at the front desk if the adult channels are disabled. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? READ THIS NEXT: 183 Jokes For Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun. Finally, the apprentice comes back with r/jokes , this angered the carpenter, as he cant build a fence with a subreddit. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? One snatches your watch. Its not what it looks like!Do you like sales? If you are looking for a good laugh, then read on. We sincerely hope you've enjoyed our picks of dirty jokes so far! Asking your geek male friend: Do you want to hear a joke about a v*gina? 75+ Dirty Yo Mama Jokes That Always Get A Laugh in 2023 What do you get when you jingle Santas balls? Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house Because you just gave me a raise. What do you call a cheap circumcision? I had a carpenter install new stairs on my porch and I asked him how he does it. Im known as a big swinger. First, well get hammered, and then Ill nail you. He came, he saw, he conquered. If we dont get some support, people will think were nuts.Whats the best thing about gardening?Getting down and dirty with your hoesWhats the difference between me/you and a mosquito?A mosquito will stop sucking once you slap it.Whats the difference between you and the refrigerator?The refrigerator doesnt moan when I put my meat in it.I took a Viagra the other day. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed? Wife: No, he said you could have a stroke at any time. 79 Dirty Jokes That Are Funny ASF | Bridal Shower 101 The carpenter asks what is the problem with the fence. Whats the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw. Did you hear about the disorganised Mexican carpenter? What did the banana say to the vibrator? A cock that stays up all night. What do clowns get turned on by?